Buried under the continual bad news enveloping us like a planetary deflector shield, Near-silent whispers leaked from a galaxy far, far away provide a welcome respite from a world seemingly far, far away from making any sense.
According to Kessel Run Transmissions, all-around artistic genius (and my second-favorite actor on Community) Donald Glover is in talks to reprise his role as young Lando Calrissian from the oft-slighted yet wholly entertaining Solo: A Star Wars Story. This is piled on top of last month’s rumors reported first by LRM Online, where an MCU-esque Star Wars TV Universe is being primed and readied to fire out of Lucasfilm like green milk from a thala-siren mammary (you’re welcome for that visual).
While nothing has been confirmed by the Rogues’ Gallery of Kathleen Kennedy / Jon Favreau / Dave Filoni or anyone at Lucasfilm / Disney / a reputable source, the thought of an interconnected universe spanning multiple shows with staggered releases every few months left the staff at THS (okay, me at THS) more roused than the aforementioned thala-siren (and now that image is seared into your cranium).
LRM’s article mentions a slate of five shows dodging, ducking, dipping, diving and dodging into and out of each other’s story arcs like a blurrg on a Spice bender: the cosmically successful The Mandalorian, a possible spin-off show featuring Boba Fett (assuming rumors of his arguably unnecessary return in Baby Yoda 2: Electric Boogaloo Mandalorian Season 2 are correct), a Sabine Wren/Ahsoka Tano quest (YAAAAASS), and a Thrawn/Ezra Bridger series (which, when mentioned after the Ahsoka/Sabine show seems produced by Lucasfilm’s Department of Redundancy Department).
And as appealing as half those tentative titles are, the fifth show—an untitled placeholder for whatever springs out of Filoni’s deliciously large noggin—has my midichlorians bouncing off the walls like Yoda battling Count Dooku. Could it be that this fifth show will be a Young Lando Calrissian Chronicles-esque spinoff following the best-dressed scoundrel in the galaxy??
Probably not. LRM’s story mentions this televised Universe will take place in the same time as The Mandalorian. Plus, it makes zero sense to leave the period between Solo and ROTJ without compelling live-action stories on the Disney+ platform. Besides, the enticing transition from intergalactic space cowboy to the Baron Administrator of Cloud City is an opportunity entirely too intriguing to pass up. Not to mention the universe—ours and Star Wars—needs, nay, demands a well-executed origin story for the wonderous, glorious and underutilized character that is Lobot: What’s not to love about a half-human, half-universal remote mute Principal Strickland? (You’re a slacker, Boba Fett!)
Still, the possibilities with this still-unfilled slot are as endless: Between the myriad of stories lingering in the Outer Rims of Legends canon to the new stories pouring out of the Mouse Machine, Lucasfilm has a greater plethora of possible series than Santa Poco’s got piñatas on El Guapo’s birthday. But—to paraphrase the advice of one of the best villains of the 20th century—Lucasfilm can’t force open the petals of a proverbial flower just for increased revenue off a cruddy premise with a flimsy plot again (looking at you I, Jedi).
So with ample time on my hands due to another round of shutdowns (thanks, non-mask-wearing buttheads) and a fresh bottle of pineapple rum (still waiting on my Millennium Falcon tiki bowl, THS), I’m setting off to accomplish what JJ Abrams could not: Create an engaging plot and story that doesn’t need a Wookiee’s faked death for dramatic tension. And just like anything involving SW and JJ together, the less sense these stories make, the more apologies the THS editors will make for them!
So without further ado, here are five Star Wars show concepts that SHOULD get a pilot, but’ll prolly result in yet another restraining order on me from Pablo Hidalgo (I swear that flaming bag of poop wasn’t me this time, P-Money):
- Cop ‘Wok
Let me be perfectly clear: I am in no way advocating for a program designed as a PR stunt to improve American law enforcement’s pretty miserable public image (that’s what Paw Patrol’s for). But any fan who lived through the OT’s theatrical release can attest that legendary Hollywood producer Stephen Bochco’s Fuzz-centric proton bomb Cop Rock did as much for making police officers more relatable and good-natured in the public’s eye as Greedo letting off the first shot did for softening Han Solo’s scoundrelous image: It didn’t.
Elevator Pitch: After her heroics during the Battle of Endor, young Ewok Kneesa Warrick is recruited into the New Republic Security Force as diversity and inclusion is ruled essential to differentiate the New Republic from the exclusionary ranks of the Empire (who had more white heads up top than my forehead in 10th grade). But as a new order clashes with old prejudices, omnipresent corruption and threats from beyond, Kneesa must chart a new course for her and her kind the only way that makes any sense in this tumultuously mixed-up galaxy: rehashed showtunes and spontaneous group dance numbers! It’s Hill Street Blues meets Mace Windus!
The potential for a musical to be included as official canon is too good to pass up. Disney has written the book on mid-act nonsensical musical numbers over the last century, so imagine what it can do with characters that illicit so much vitriol within its most ardent fans? Hell, the song-and-dance was the only thing that made Ralph Breaks the Internet watchable, and considering how much that predictable 90-minute commercial for Silicon Valley brought in, Cop ‘Wok should at least break even.
- Max Rebo Band on the Run (working title)
You can say the galaxy’s favorite blue maestro was on Jabba’s barge when it went up in a blaze of Jedi glory, but as any decent musician who’s ever played a shady gig will tell you, when blasters start popping off, you run in the opposite direction – fast. So it’s not out of the unknown realm to imagine poor Max—PTSDing from one of his backup dancers becoming Rancor food the day before and stress-sparking a space jazz cigarette on the other side of the barge while his audience is occupied with the Pit of Rankoon’s headliner—taking a long walk off a short barge and peacing out without collecting his last credit payment.
Elevator pitch: Having walked for days across the Tatooine desert back to Jabba’s Palace, only to find his bandmates being interrogated by the other, less slovenly Hutts, Max Rebo distracts his slug captors with a snappy space organ jam session for he and his bandmates to escape. But after stealing Jabba’s backup cruiser and dodging the Hutts’ brutal grasp, the band bounces from cantina to cantina, making friends and ends till they can work their way to the headlining slot at Coruscant-chella! It’s Get Him to the Greek meets Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem meets… a blue elephant thing!
Call this a 151 float, cos this pitch is so fire it burned off my eyebrows.
- Rancor and Me
Where do I begin polishing this turd of an idea? The editor who pitched this story came up with this title, assuming I could make grinjer broth out of grinjer dookie. What the hell was he expecting? Some Star Wars-themed version of Mac and Me?? More hack nonsense wrapped in feigned nostalgia for terrible 80’s b-movies? Ooh, great idea editor boss. Maybe we’ll even get Paul Rudd to use a clip on his next Conan appearance, hyuk.
Elevator pitch: I dunno, some unbathed man child befriends a slobbering lizard-gorilla hybrid and hilarity magically ensues. Cut. Print. One Million Billion dollars to Editor Extraordinaire for pulling this piece’a out of thin air like Don Knotts pulling a rhinestone the size of a Wookiee’s kidney stone out a scrappy VW that TOTALLY WASN’T the character template for everyone’s favorite blue droid. Ugh. This is why you don’t let Management meddle with Creative.
Ten bucks says his next idea’s going to be “How about Rad, but with <<<looks over both shoulders>>> speeder bikes?!?!” I’ll have nobody to blame but myself and my college counselor for being gladhanded into one-shotting that screenplay on spec. I should’ve been a dentist.
- Alphabet Squadron (POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT)
Okay, hear me out: If Rogue One can be proselytized as the preeminent Star Wars film of the Disney era based solely on 45 minutes of dogfights and ground assaults, then it’s only logical to extend that winning formula over a ten episode season. And what better way to gloriously wallow in totally-not-Tony Gilroy’s cinematic genius than with a series of novels that have a metric ton of these battles within them??
Plus, it’s completely devoid of anything but passing mentions of the Skywalker Saga! No amputating glow-sticks, no mystical deep space Jordan dunks, and save for everyone’s favorite Rebel Twi’lek (don’t pretend Hera Syndulla’s not on your celebrity cheat sheet), there’s absolutely zero characters that’ll cause rifts in the fandom from rampant “___ would NEVER do THAT!” arguments (Oof, Christmas 2017 was a dark time to be a Star Wars fan).
Sure, Alexander Freed’s captivatingly brilliant novel has a couple slow points, but they were for the sake of character exposition—and when has Star Wars ever had an issue with moving said exposition to another point of profit? (My Bounty Hunter’s Code Deluxe Edition just gave me a dusty thumbs-up from the bookshelf.) Besides, that’s just more material to be used over a ten-episode run. That’s free cash, which is just as good as money (RIP Yogi).
Elevator Pitch: Don’t listen to me, ding dong. Go listen to Saskia Maarleveld’s marvelous reading of Alphabet Squadron and tell me you’re not aroused visualizing every scene in that book. Just imagining the Attack on the Hellion’s Dare over a two-episode mini arc has my thala-senses tingling again. (HA! I’ll NEVER let you forget that image!)
One of the many reasons The Mandalorian is great is its ability to have core elements threaded through its season, remaining true to established mythology, but lacking the familiar faces of the Skywalker Saga makes it open for Favreau and FIloni to create something new, without the crazy expectations from the fandom. Freed’s novel accomplishes that same magic with some seriously flawed, yet completely relatable characters that have the potential for legendary status within the annals of Star Wars lore. Plus, I really want a chance to voice Sata Neek. Let’s talk over drinks, Ms. Kennedy. Your treat, of course.
- A Mark Hamill Life Day or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Last Jedi (working title)
If you’re not following Mr. Hamill on social media, I have one question to ask: Where did your life go wrong?
We as a collective of societally-shunned dweebs who marvel and obsess over this silly space fantasy have only ourselves to blame for not having thought of this brilliant idea sooner. But to paraphrase Anthony Kiedis, there’s never been a better time for this project than right now. He may be a mere mortal in this galaxy, but Mr. Hamill’s messages of hope, calls for social justice and just overall good-person positivity provide a welcome respite from the general toxicity in our collective feeds and in society writ large.
So what if the whole “Comedic Christmas Special” trope is tired and lacks any semblance of originality? it wouldn’t be done as a send-up of all those holiday specials of yesteryear, but as a genuine celebration of the best part of the holidays: Togetherness, family, love, and some laughs provided by your “not racist but likes the eggnog a little too much” uncle. And what better person to host this awesomeness than someone who’s basically a modern-day Mr. Rogers who can also chuckle at a well-timed fart?
Elevator pitch: It’s Mark. F—ing. Hamill. He’s singing and dancing and occasionally breaking the fourth wall and playing with his puppies and singing a duet with Ahmed Best cos that would be super cool and… did I mention his puppies? I dunno, I just want to be the Bruce Vallanch of this era’s Star Wars Holiday Special! Still waiting on that meeting, Ms. Kennedy. It’ll be worth it when I introduce you to the wonderful world of Dollarita night at Applebee’s.
Okay so it’s not a series. But I got burned out on that Rancor and Me crap, so leave a comment for what you’d like to see in that open slot. I won’t read it, but someone might… and that someone will probably pitch it for my next piece.
Dollarita night can’t come soon enough.
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